Searching for the Kingdom We

I can’t say how many times I have come to this site wishing to say what the Lord is doing in my heart, what I see in the lives of the people around me, how the city is coming back to gether more and more every day. I haven’t wanted to share the elation of new street lights going up everywhere, replacing the tripod stop signs - proving that people are coming back. I have wanted to share the little nouances of learnign what it means to be a lead servant under the Lordship of Christ. And, maybe even a few personal notes here and there. But, each time I do I am overwhelmed by it all and I have nothing I can say. I’m that way when I try to share my faith with people too. There’s just too much goign on that can’t be inned down in a few words. It’s tourturous to try.

But it’s still no excuse. I’m sorry.
I will try to be better at both.

I will try by telling you that today I paid the rest fo my tuition for the semester, and took my last Systematic Teheology quiz and looked at all the finals I will hav to finish over the next week. I alo have dreamed about my coffeehouse and who I could work with. I’ve read chapters and laughed with a brilliant Cajun at lunch. I will also be returning my library book on Eastern Orthodoxy and my friend Andrews poetry book that I have thouroughly enjoyed. And now it’s almost three and I need to go on with my day. I hope yours is going well.

Sing, my tongue, the glorious battle,

Sing the ending of the fray;

Now above the Cross, our trophy,

Sound the loud triumphal lay:

Tell how Christ, the world’s redeemer,

As a victim won the day.

- Venantius Fortunatus (AD 530-609)

I got this in my inbox today and thought I’d share:

“Instead of being the active, hurrying church worker and the anxious, careful planner of shrewd moves toward the good life, we become pliant creatures, less brittle, less obstinately rational. The energizing, dynamic center is not in us but in the Divine Presence in which we share. Religion is not our concern; it is God’s concern. The sooner we stop thinking we are the energetic operators of religion and discover that God is at work, as the Aggressor, the Invader, the Initiator, so much the sooner do we discover that our task is to call people to be still and know, listen, hearken in quiet invitation to the subtle promptings of the Divine.”

– Thomas Kelly, A Testament of Devotion, p.58f

I am praying voxtropolis in responce to what some think.

This is one of the tricky things.

When we really want to be heard about something that’s been talked about through out the course of history we become frustrated with our normal vocabulary because of all it’s baggage, so we seek out new words. The unfortunate thing is that when we stray from the cliches there are implications, connotations that we can not be fully aware of. So how do we balance?

Our faith is one of tension. As it says in Ecclesiastes 7:18, “It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes.”

I do this to myself all the time when I’m trying to communicate. People often will reply with an obvious misunderstanding of what I said. I become frustrated that they can not see how I have reframed the words to means something unique. However, As receivers of words, by nature we have to be more passive to the language; therefore we automatically assume the meaning to be the most obvious by previous experiences. How can we explain the Kingdom of God? How do we depict the Body? How does one explain the Messiah or his Spirit?

How do we explain our worship in all its forms? When the Romans saw the Christians celebrated “love feasts” and called each other “brother and sister” while refusing to do many of the cultural activities of the day that were entwined with pagan worship, many people came to the conclusion that these “little Christs” were incestuous atheists who threw orgies on Sundays. The moral citizens of the day were scandolized.

Seeing that their neighbors misunderstood them, the Body had to change their practices and vocabulary to clarify what it was they were doing so as to not give false testimony or the Head of the Body. They had to give up freedoms for the sake of those who did not understand. This misunderstanding also spurred on the birth of Christian apologetics. For the things that they could not change for the sake of Christ’s integrity, they had to be forthright and explain themselves further, taking the truths of the Faith out of the context of the Body for the sake of those who did not understand.

I think these situations can be directed by Saint Paul’s writings on eating meat that has been sacrificed in pagan worship. For those who see no power in them, the meet is acceptable because they were free from the Law of Sin. However, there are many who see this as tainted by the spirits. Why would we, who are to always put others before ourselves, wish to make the former party distressed by something as inessential as our choice of food - or words.

We can trust in the reality of our faith that is beyond our understanding or description - and yet very much true and real. Mysiticism is only Christ honoring when it is tied, tested, and focused on our historical Jesus who we know from the ancient scriptures of the canon, written by those who actually knew Him as a human and those who were directly influenced by His ministry before time errouded our collective memory. I think this group of mysitics is seeking and communing with the same Jesus who was before time began, by Him all things were created, who was born of the virgin Mary, who lived among his followers, who died a criminals death, who defeated death, and who now continues His ministry of reconcilliation here on earth through all of us who carry His Spirit.

Friday, May 20, 2005

I will tell you something about myself. I have a VERY active imagination. I’ve never been afraid of the dark itself. I love night, dark and quiet. But, sometimes, when I couldn’t sleep late at night, I would have to get up and do something: get a drink, go to the bathroom, pace the halls. And then my old childhood fears would come rushing at me. Despite all the hundreds of little traumas in my childhood, my greatest fear remained, “the Nothing” from The Never Ending Story. Not the big thunderstorm that actually ate up the world, but his minion, the wolf. His deadly patience and his mocking sinister voice. (And, weirdly enough, not when I watched the movie, though he did unnerve me.)

I hated windows; I could see the black glass but couldn’t see into the darkness behind. On the other side of the glass he would be watching and waiting for the perfect time to jump through the glass to devour me. He watched and waited for years; sometimes as packs of wolves, sometimes just the one with his very fake mouth moving in silent threats to my mind. Sometimes I could visibly see him. (His very fakeness and size scared me more than the real wolf that lived in the yard next door for a couple of years.) It was frustrating that 15 years after my visions of him looking at me through the window began, I still couldn�t pass a dark window without his presence. About that time I had been doing some hard looking into my past and my fears and all that we try so hard to cover up with charm, victimization, personality, and righteousness. Something I read - I can’t remember now - talked about visions of animals and their meanings to us. It talked about our greatest fears.

I thought, “The Nothing.” What was he? Really? Am I that concrete?.. Could he be the future? The Nothing could destroy my past, my present, and could take my family, friends, all I hold dear; nothing can control. He’s always patient to watch me through the sleepless nights with the power to devour me at his choosing. Yes, my greatest fear is the future. I faced him in the day when my mind was sharper and he was less important and I realized that he was apart of me. I confessed to God that I feared him - as he was without demystifying - and confessed that he was apart of me that didn’t want to let go and trust. I believed that he could devour me, but I realized I would be devouring myself in the destructive power of fear if that were to come true. The funny thing is, he’s as deadly as ever, but sleeker and more like a real wolf. And I never see him in the window. He’s taken up a little den in my mind. So, yes, the fear is still there. Just house broken.

This is a picture I took yesterday morning of a walking krewe preparing to parade.

This is New Orleans as the flood receded.

Last Monday Dr. Millwood assigned us to seek out someone we could really help in a way they really really need. Seems pretty easy. But here’s the catch - they can’t know about it. ever. We can’t say a word about it to anyone. At the end of two weeks we will talk about our emotional reactions, but even then, we can’t tell each other what we did. Ouch.

With this in mind, my friend and I started talking about secrets over a couple of double cappuccinos. This woman of God said something that I think all of us need to confront. Though she is thankful for the lessons and redemption that God has given her in her life, she is terrified of anyone to hear of her past/current struggles. Fearful enough to end friendships. Fearful enough to not reach out to those she sees with similar struggles for the sake of her reputation.

This seems to be most true, at least with the people I know, about sexual struggles. Co-dependency and other relational issues are not dealt with in Christian culture as a whole in that deep interpersonal level people desperately need. We see the repercussions as sinful, but we’re too apt to lock people away in pigeonholes rather than get to the bottom of things in people’s lives.

I really think that it’s because, as leaders, we’re afraid of our own struggles and history will be exposed as if there are any people who do not have deep, adult issues that are in need of redemption. We believe the lies even though we know the truth. We keep each other at arms distance. We sacrifice each other on the alter of social self-preservation. I would go as far as to say that most “mature” Christians are more likely to die for someone rather than to allow certain things from their past to be known. And while there is a balance in all things and not everyone needs to know everything, I think there is something horribly wrong with this.

When I was a freshman in college I met and quickly starting dating a guy who was several years older than me and a leader in his church. Very few people knew it, but our relationship was physically way out of bounds and all around not healthy. I did things with him I never thought I would do. And though we both had accountability groups neither of us sought accountability from people we knew we should have reach out to. As “mature,” “pure” believers in Christ who knew what we were doing was not good for us, we didn’t reach for help for the sake of comfort.

[”Such a cold, cold comfort for comfort’s sake”]

After we broke up, he pulled away from the church more and more. He got caught up in a cult that was well known for brain washing, but also for getting you to tell them every little sin and about the people they did things with. This was bad enough, but it was also well known that people who tried to get out of the cult where blackmailed with this information and there were stories of people who had been ruined by what these people slandered.

I, at 19, was suddenly faced with a choice. In my prayers I was caught. I could pray that he would be freed from this sick group of people, but if I did, our history in graphic detail could be spread through the city. I was just beginning to step into leadership positions. The reality was that a big part of me would rather leave him to his captors rather than have people think of me “that way.” I was afraid the church would judge me.

I could feel the Spirit in me grieving from my selfishness. I was so cruel. I was just like the people I feared. I would sacrifice him for my comfort and ambition. Something in me had to change. I needed redemption and love. Thank the Lord, God had already put women in my life that I could reach out and confess to; women with whom I could be real and protected. They did not sacrifice me for their comfort. We truly shared life together, thorns and all. We faced our fears together.

How do we start loving each other?

Do you have people in your life who make you real and protected? and…

How would we act if all our good deeds were secret, and everyone knew our weaknesses and failures?

So. Over the past year I’ve become more and more convinced that while I’m in New Orleans I’m am supposed to be a part of opening a coffeehouse. There are a hundred reasons why I can’t escape this truth, but it’s way too complex to go into here. However, I do want to give you all a little update on what the Lord is doing.

What I learned over the summer:

My internship last summer was unbelievable. I am forever grateful to Jason Dukes and the Westpoint Fellowship family. And I want to give a big shout out to Kevin and Josh who are the managers of House Blend Cafe.

Among other things, the internship clarified to me what kind of set up would work best for a coffeehouse. Although I know I need to be flexible and recognise this is not mine, I really think that this coffeehouse should be established as a business. There are two main reasons why I think this is best:

1) Most “Christian” coffeehouses fail due to poor business practices, not because of a lack of interest. The founders often have a “if we build it they will come” mentality, but are not willing to do what it takes to create a thing because they see it as a ministry for an specific group or a hang out for their “church goers.” Once the churches that support the venture become weary of the money pit, they pull out and there is no option but to close. I do not think this sends a positive image of the church to the community at large nor does it really help anyone.

I want people from all walks of life to want to come in to our coffeehouse because they respect how we do things, regardless of their spiritual condition or affiliation. I do not want to run a evangelism outpost that happens to look like a coffeehouse. I want to run the best coffeehouse possible in a Christ-like manner that builds community inside and outside of our building.
2) If we make money from our services we can offer better products and services, quality entertainment, give money back to the community and to the world wide efforts, and have money to expand/multiply with the Lord’s leading.

With so many churches on the brink financially, it should be a clue that we’re missing something. Why do Christians keep doing the same deadend practices? We’ve confused our culture with our faith. It only makes sense to run businesses for the glory of the Lord and the edification of the community.
If we are going to start a new business, it means that there will have to be a large initial investment, but if we do things right, like take advantage of the ReNew Orleans incentives to get our feet on the ground, we can start returning on the investments.
I want be a part of healing New Orleans, and I truly believe that good community centers, i.e. coffeehouses, are an important part of that solution. I know I am a novice and I know I need a lot of help, education, guidance, and a team of gifted people to make these ideals a reality. But, a girl’s got to start somewhere.
Then the walls fell down:

To put it lightly, Katrina really put a kink in what church thought God is doing in New Orleans. Our seminary was on the verge of an Asbury-like revival. Students, professors, and others in the community were beginning to talk about the movement of the Spirit, focused most clearly with our times of prayer and worship in the Leavel Chapel, led by David Platt. A love for all people, and a global understanding of God’s mission of reconciliation became a fire within us. Then suddenly we were scattered literally all over the world. It took a while to get over the shock of separation and loss, but we have started to live out what God had place in our hearts in New Orleans, wherever we ended up. I wish I could share with you a fraction of the stories I’ve heard, but that’s not why I’m writing.

We are seeing the fruits of this diaspora, however it does make walking forward here in “Jerusalem” rather strange. Our communities are physically and emotionally in shambles. No one is left untouched. The blessing is that the Body has been forced to look up and take things a day at a time. We can no longer pretend that acting pious in our church buildings is enough. We see our need for God’s grace, and the power of loving our neighbors. The importance of prayer has never been so clear and we are so thankful for the prayers of the saints all over the world.

As the months of healing have begun, the Body here in New Orleans, is beginning to feel a sense of urgency and an awakening welling up. As an example, night before last a catch up conversation after a long nights work ended with Tiffany (my roommate) and I on our faces before the Most Holy God pleading that His spirit would be poured out even more mightily that Katrina’s flood waters and that we would be known as completely His - that He would make us faithful to Him. I truly believe that a revival will break out soon that no one but our almighty God could get credit for. But, that’s not what I’m here to write about.

In recent events:

I’m writing to ask you to be praying for us. Pray for the people of New Orleans. Pray for the people from all over the world that are here to rebuild the city. And for me, pray that I will be steadfast in my mission to create the coffeehouse. After all this big talk about revival, this seems so small, but it is my act of obedience and it is plenty bigger than me.

As I returned to New Orleans the coffeehouse seemed so far away, like a distant dream. I felt out of place and confused and I began to pray that the Lord would make His desire clear to me- whatever it was. My heart was wooed again by the thought of community in a coffeehouse and I began to step forward in faith in my heart. God has been encouraging me in so many ways. He is so gracious. Even after all that he has shown me, whenever I begin to question whether this is from him or my own ambition, or I get distracted with so many pressing things, He shows me that this is His desire for New Orleans.

On Monday I saw Rob Wilton for the first time since his return from Africa. He’s working with Mission Lab and (I think) taking classes. He got disconnected from everybody while he was in Africa over the “Katrina break” but he’s getting plugged back in. Rob’s praying about his burden to churchplant in a coffeehouse and seemed excited to see someone he knows has the same burden. I haven’t gotten the chance to meet his wife yet, but I look forward to at least get closer to them. We don’t know if we’re sharing the same vision yet, but we are praying for each other’s ministry. Regardless, I looking forward to us being able to help and encourage each other on our journeys.

I’m also talking with my friend Malia. She has such an amazing heart for this city. She actively pours her life into young people from the Gentilly neighborhood and the area universities. We’re in servant leadership together, and I feel like I’m learning from her as much as I am from Dr. Millwood (and that’s saying a lot). She has worked in coffeehouses before and has a passion for that kind of community. She also (thank you, Jesus) has administrative, and bookkeeping skills that I am clueless about.

Over the past few weeks, I started talking about my coffeehouse vision and Tuesday night she said that she is “on board” and that one of the girls she’s mentoring, who is a freshman at Loyola, is wanting to be a part as well. I look up to Malia so much, it’s humbling to have her want to join with me, but again I am reminded that this is not my baby - this is God’s all the way. When I told Malia about talking to Rob she said, “Rob Wilton?.. I went to a conference with him randomly last year and now that you mention it I remember him talking about a coffeehouse.” Wow. She meet this guy “randomly” once, and they talked about that? The Lord seems to have been preparing this for a while. How generous of God to allow me a sister to work hand in hand with through this!

Also this week I sent an e-mail to Joe McKeever who suggested that I pull together a meeting of the minds in the near future. I agree with him, but I don’t want to rush things, nor do I want to back away from what God is clearly doing. Please pray that God would bring people into this venture for His glory and that I will be faithful to His vision and timing.

Also, I have to say that I don’t think that it is an accident that God has me working for Morton’s Steakhouse. The way I got the job shows just how multitasking our God is. I think it’s very possible that the Lord has me there to come in contact with financial investors, or at least to get to know the movers and shakers of the city. We are encouraged to build relationships with our guests to build loyalty to the restaurant, and I’m beginning to pray specifically that the Lord would orchestrate this as only he can.

So what about you?

I can’t tell you how encouraging it is to know that you’re going to be there with me through this. I don’t know what I’m getting into, but it’s clear that I just have to wait (like a waitress) and pray. If you would like to be more hands-on in this process, I would be honored beyond words. Please let me know so we can talk about what the Lord has put on your heart concerning this venture.

If you know of anyone with a heart for this sort of thing, who has knowledge about starting a business, and would be willing to join with us, or at least give friendly advice, please send them my way.

Blessings to you and yours,

Amy Nicholson

as I walked from work I heard: Brass bands finishing a parade behind me Cathedral bells celebrating another wedding before me Sirens echoing in the buildings and the levee walls all around Tourists passing by Friendly folks asking how I’m doin’ Wet wind popping heaving flags hanging from balconies Thunderous horns from a steamboat to my right Music at every door to my left

I saw: Children draped with beads up to their ears grinning at their conquest My roommate and her trainees willing the wind to die down Film crews packing up and debating in Japanese A wedding party pulling up to the Windham Hotel A man getting arrested on the ferry terminal leaning on the bridge patrol car to be handcuffed The tassles of my scarf flying in my face as the East Bank floated further away

I met: Some UNO students on the ferry with whom I chatted and grabbed a cup of coffee at the local pub on my block.

Today is going to be a good day. Time to go make some groceries

Dear Robert,

I am honored that you have taken the time to clarify things on behalf of your coffeehouse. How clumsy of me to leave the name of your place in an article that I knew was incomplete and misleading in regards to the coffeehouse and even in my own ideas of what a coffeehouse should be. I am extremely sorry for that, and I can only soften what I’ve done to tell you that the final draft that was put before the class did not say that your coffeehouse lacked truth, because it is full of truths to learn from. If I did not believe that I would not have singled it out as my favorite places to go. I love all of your community building activities and the environment you offer. It was wrong of me to have posted the paper with faulty information regarding people’s actual places. I am deeply sorry and would appreciate your forgiveness. I have removed the names of the coffeehouses mentioned. Again, thank you for taking the time to draw attention to my error.

As I mentioned in the introduction/disclaimer of this paper, what I wrote about your coffeehouse was part of a rough draft in a paper that was written over a year ago. I based what I wrote on the information and beliefs I had at the time, before I had the chance to meet you and get to know the coffeehouse better. I have not been able to write and update about what I’ve learned, or clarified my ideas. I have every intention of posting a new article contrasting what I’ve learned in the past year about coffeehouses and what my (hypothetical) coffeehouse would be like. As I have not posted that as of yet, how were you to know that this paper was the reflection of a journey, not my final ideas and beliefs?

I know that you probably don’t remember but we did meet about a month after the storm and you told me more about your concept of the coffeehouse and your background, including your grandfather’s profession. I agree that a coffeehouse should not simply be an idiom for what you consider a “churchâ€? to be. I am sorry that even from this paper you thought I think that a coffeehouse should be, “a closed club of believers and those ripe for evangelical plucking.” In fact I warned against it later on in the paper. In the paper I posted I did not go into how the coffeehouse would be run, simply that I wanted to create a coffeehouse that had Jesus the Christ as it’s backbone, motivation, and basis of it’s values in our business practices and the way we treat our guests.

I completely agree with you that, “A coffeehouse must be a crossroads for all walks of society. Not all people are Christians. Not all good people are Christians. Not all religions and wisdoms are Christianity.” I completely agree and I believe that is exactly the kind of place that Jesus wants me to create – a crossroads where all people feel safe to be themselves, and if they wish, to learn from each other and create community and help each other become the persons they were created to be. That is what I think all churches should be, but I can see the confusion when you compare what most churches actually look like.

I do believe that God coming down and living as a man in the person of Jesus Christ is the purest revelation of who God is and what He is like. I am forever grateful for Jesus’ life, death and resurrection and I have given my life in response. My relationship with Jesus, will effect my interactions with the people I work with as well as my guests. However, I pray that it would be Love, Forgiveness, and Life that all will see, not “credos.� It is the Person I wish to introduce people to, not the institution; not more burdens to bear. I wish for people to be set free.

Thank you, again. I would love to learn more from you. Is the ‘house open again? I saw ferns outside as I passed by the other day. I’ve only been back in town for a little while, living in Algiers Point now, so I haven’t had the opportunity to check on how you’re doing. It breaks my heart to have slipped into such a stupid mistake. The thought of loosing the opportunity to learn from you because I have already broken trust is really frustrating to me. Please know that I was not acting maliciously, only lazy to not clarify my own position on what I published.

Most sincerely, Amy Nicholson